Xellos Tells It All
by Sick Mazoku
Summary: Xellos reveals deep dark secrets of his friends on Federal T.V. REALLY HILLARIOUS!! Read and let me know. And I'm quitting on my Black Angel series for now. Too many ideas that keep on blurring my mind.


  
  
"Xellos Tells It All"  
  
  
  
Summary: Xellos knows his friend's deep dark secrets, and he can't wait to tell them all on air, such as the "Tom Green Show".  
  
  
Warning: Not for the easily offended. Despite censoring on very innapropriate dialects and gestures, the strong mature themes and language still give this an "R".  
  
  
Open to the Studio with Tom Green, Glen Humplick and that coffie drinking guy who laughs too much.  
  
Audience applauds.  
  
Tom Green: Thank you all for coming to the show. We hope you enjoyed yourselves.  
  
The audience hoots.  
  
Tom Green: And on our last four to eight minutes, we like to introduce you to a powerful beast who killed thousands in one blow, and the new author of a best selling book which got the shipping cancelled from cooperating trading nations including here in the U.S. of America.  
  
The audience cheers and hoots.  
  
Tom Green (With wild enthusiasm): LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! XELLOS METALLUM!!!!  
  
The crowd (Including Tom) goes wild as Xellos (In a fancy suit matching the color of his hair) walks up to a seat next to Glen, waving at his fans.  
  
The crowd settles down after seconds of applause.  
  
Tom Green: Thank you Mr. Xellos for coming to my show.  
  
Xellos: (Chortle) Hey! It beats what I had to go through to make "Slayers: Too HOT for T.V. novel."  
  
The audience applauds loudly after he mentions the proper noun.  
  
Xellos: I'm also honored at being with a guy who enjoys making others miserable like me of course. And I'm surprised even the human race has been raving about this book like mine. I've gotten over twenty awards by only betraying my only friends. Even "DARK MASTER SHABRANIGDO" has placed my mother and I on the highest rank of officials next to his.  
  
Tom: It's one of the most funniests, most nasty and most provocative piece of literature I've ever read in my whole life.  
  
Tom Green brings his book up with a silly cartoon with Xellos, posing as the cat burglar, holding a sealed roll of film labeled "TOP SECRET", getting caught by the rest of the crew of "Slayers" by just a flashlight held by Lina Inverse.  
  
Glen: OH MY GOD!! WHAT KIND OF SICK BASTARDS ARE YOU GUYS!!  
  
Tom (To Xellos): Don't mind Glenn. He's to shy to admit that he absolutely loved your book to death. (To Glen) Remember telling me about your favorite chapter with the golilocks drag queens!   
  
Xellos: That's the Golden Dragons. But I should've use that if I ever face them. As a matter of fact, it's an awful name to label them.   
  
Glen: I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT LOVING THAT AWFUL BOOK!!  
  
Tom: COME ON, GLEN!! You always went back to that part! YOU SAVORED IT!! I saw you reading it naked once.  
  
The audience laughs.  
  
Glen: Tom, you are full of sh(BLEEP)t!  
  
Tom: Well, let's judge by some footage of the video of which will come to a video store near you by "Thanksgiving".   
  
The audience applauds.   
  
Glen: OH MY GOD!!   
  
He sulks down and puts his hands under his face while the audience applauds.  
  
Xellos: Good jolly ol' family fun.  
  
Tom( Mockingly serious/ points towards him): Remember, Glen. IT IS YOU, WHO IS PUT TO THE TEST!! HIT IT XEL!!  
  
The audience cheers.  
  
Xellos: On our first one, her royalness, Martina doesn't just have a thing for men. Now what could also turn on a spoiled princess like her? Watch and learn.  
  
The screen opens to where Martina and Hellmaster Fibrizo (She doesn't know this yet) are walking up the mountains. Notice her staring at his ass.  
  
Martina: You know, little boy, you are pretty cute. And you got a nice ass. Have you ever learned anything about "Forbidden Fruits".   
  
Fibrizo (Acting all innocent): Uh... No. What's that?  
  
Cut to him with his head on Martina's groin, having her groan sensuously.  
  
The crowd gasps in thrilled shock.  
  
Cut to a teenage lady looking at the screen in shock.  
  
Cut back to the screen.  
  
Martina (Sensual): Now, little boy, do you care to show... Ooh... What you've developed so far?  
  
The screen goes black.  
  
The audience applauds.  
  
Xellos: Golden Dragons, which Tom mentioned, serve the gods who protect the worlds at all costs. The Dragons are more conservative about their conscience than the human race. And we, the monster race are here to destroy it all and to make things go wild. And from my trip with my friends including Filia, who we came along to on our way, I thought the dragons were definitely the most boring type to ever hang out with, and they're the most easiest to piss off. However, when we arrived at the Fire Dragon Temple, while Lina and the rest of the gang were chowing down, I hid around and ended up proving to myself that even the most conservative type has a wild side. Lets roll the footage.  
  
Open to (Notice since this is federal TV, their private parts, any obsene form of oral contact, any inappropriate touchings and cursing are censored. Oh yeah, like that covers the bad parts) where Filia, in her original dragon form, (With cloth tied around her neck and she's chained to a nice bed with beautiful sheets and blankets spreaded on top of the bed) getting b(bleep)nged by a group of six male dragons, while some of all the six, are pl(bleep)ying with each other.   
  
The audience hoots and laughs out loud.  
  
One of the male dragons (j(Bleep)king off): Oh yeah, I'm gonna c(Bleep)m now, sweet t(bleep)ts!  
  
Filia (Moaning): Give me all you got, hot stuff.  
  
The dragon starts j(Bleep)king faster.  
  
Elderly male voice: I hope that teaches you a lesson from causing a part of our temple to be wrecked.  
  
An elderly male dragon with a long white beard lays next to her.  
  
The bearded elderly dragon (rubs her): And while you're at it, save some of that strength for the big guy.  
  
Filia: Yes, Elder...  
  
He lies next to her and they both start frenching and caressing each other.  
  
The screen turns black.  
  
The audience cheers and hoots.  
  
Xellos: I admit, I masterbated almost the most to this view, (the crowd laughs) and this, definitely, shocked my people the most. Also gave them something to use against our enemies.  
  
Cut to Glen, sweating like a pig, notice a stiffy under his pants.  
  
Cut to Tom looking at Glen.  
  
Tom: My god, Glen. Are you okay, you seem to be sweating pretty badly.  
  
The audience laughs.  
  
Glen (Badly tries to hide it): I'm going to throw up. Will you excuse me to the bathroom?  
  
Suddenly his arms and legs get locked to the chair from his seat.  
  
Glen (Shocked): HEY!! WHAT THE F(BLEEP)K!!  
  
Tom: I'm sorry, Glen. But you may not be excused while the test is going.  
  
Glen: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, TOM!!  
  
Suddenly, the chair cuffs his mouth.  
  
Tom: Now relax and enjoy the show.  
  
Xellos: The third one, if you got the joke from that one part of the internet from "South Park: Bigger Longer and Un-Cut". One of the funniest I ever saw, made from the human race. Well… Just watch the footage.  
  
Open to where Jillas(The fox) and the big, buff man with a red eye and a normal reptillian for the other, a light-green reptilian texture a lizard's tail and pointy ears, are caressing and frenching each other. With the background of their lizard-men ("SHUDDER", naked) holding each other and getting nasty. Notice brown spots and stains around them all. Also notice their mouths in "brown lipstick".  
  
Crowd: EEEWW!!  
  
Cut to a guy with retro sixties and seventies clothing and shaggy hair, humorously shaking his head in denial while witnessing the horror. Cut to the audience with the same reaction, some less serious, some more. Notice some letting out some vomit, mostly the good-looking trendy girls (Hey, this is "MTV" the known "anti-individuality" capital).  
  
Cut to Glen, vomiting through the cuff around his mouth.  
  
Cut back to the screen.  
  
Reptillian man (Sensuous): Yeah, Jillas. Now let's see how big you say your c(Bleep)k is.  
  
Jillas giggles.  
  
Jillas (Sensuous): One big dingling doggy d(bleep)k, coming right up, boss.  
  
Cut to the audience, looking in humorous disdain.  
  
--zzzzziiiipppp---.  
  
Boss (Background): Yeah, love that c(bleep)k.  
  
Some of the audience starts laughing.  
  
Cut back to the boss, feeling and rubbing Jilla's w(bleep)ner while two of their lizard men, one each, sensually rub them both. Notice, both the lizards have a brown, some sort of putty, they're spreading it on them.  
  
The screen turns black again.  
  
The audience claps.  
  
Xellos: Now as for new information, I've been with Lina Inverse more than since the day we've actually first met each other and the rest of her gang. There was also this one beautiful lady who touched me where I never felt before. Her laugh was the most beautiful music, sweet candy to my ears. I don't understand how others couldn't stand it.  
  
Open to Lina and Nahga in a steam room with their private parts not covered by the towel, but by the censor blurs. Nahga is r(bleep)bbing Lina's p(Bleep)y with her fingers, causing Lina to moan and groan with pleasure.  
  
Lina: Oh... Nahga... Keep it up... OOOH!!  
  
The crowd goes wild.  
  
Nahga then gives Lina some licks around her neck and shoulders. Lina slowly has her tongue make contact with hers.  
  
The screen goes black.  
  
Xellos: And there's one more I'll show you, which is something that Amelia didn't want anyone to know. I knew about it, when I first met her and she told me not to reveal her deep dark secret by giving me compensation. I thought about it and... Well f(bleep)k that!  
  
The screen opens with teary Amelia in a close-up. With the flashlight revealing her face.  
  
Amelia (Whispering): I'm so scared right now. Everyone is after us now, and I was supposed have the food with us on our run. And my two friends, considered fugitives, actually allies of "Justice", are dead. And by the time you're watching this, I'm probably dead too.  
  
Lina Inverse( Background): Hey, Amelia! What the hell's taking you so long?! I'm STARVING HERE!!  
  
The audience laughs as they first hear Lina's voice.  
  
Amelia: And it's all my fault. (SOB) It's all my fault.  
  
Gourry: COME ON, AMELIA!! I'm getting boney here.  
  
The sound of Gourry makes the audience laugh a little.  
  
You can't tell what she's grabbing, but the sound of the air and a bonk.  
  
Lina: OUW!! YOU LITTLE BITCH!! WHY THE F(BLEEP)K DID YOU DO THAT?!!  
  
The audience laughs.  
  
Amelia: (Sob) I love you Daddy. I'm sorry for destroying one of the towers. And if I'm dead, then the lords of justice will count that as the price I will pay.  
  
You can hear footsteps and leaves rustling.  
  
Lina (Background/getting closer): YOU'RE DEAD, AMELIA!!  
  
Amelia turns and sees Lina coming out of the bushes. The screen moves as it turns to just the trees revealed by the flashlight. You can hear two running footsteps.  
  
Amelia (Background): Miss Lina, WAIT!! I can explain! I'm trying to do a video just in case if we end up...  
  
Lina (Background): COME BACK HERE, AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!  
  
Amelia (Background): But I'm not a MAN!!  
  
Lina (Background): No. But I saw some baby pictures of you with some "ODD PARTS" Philionel showed me.  
  
The audience laughs and goes wild.  
  
Amelia (Background): AAH!! I THOUGHT DADDY AND I PROMISED TO KEEP THAT BETWEEN EACH OTHER, ONLY!! OH DADDY, HOW COULD YOU!!  
  
The screen turns black.  
  
The audience cheers.  
  
Xellos: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! (Turns to your screen) For those of you who haven't gotten my book yet, you should because, everybody else does, and it's very popular and hilarious. A perfect book to read to your children at bedtime. I bet those cool commercials are really getting to you right now.  
  
Cut to two valley girls watching the T.V.   
  
Valley Girl #1: Oh my god! Did you hear that!!  
  
Valley Girl #2: YEAH!! We gotta get that book!  
  
Valley Girl #1 (Sighs): Oh, that Xellos or whoever he is is SOO CUTE!!  
  
Valley Girl #2: Yeah, I'm going to marry him and Justin of "N'Sync".  
  
Valley Girl #1: HEY!! You can't marry two people! And they're both MINE!!  
  
Valley Girl #2: Yes, I can. I got that inspiration from "Undressed". And I'd keep dreaming if I were you, because they'll never go for a fatass.  
  
Valley Girl #1: (Chortle) AS IIF!!! And I'm not fat you fucking whore! And you're just JEALOUS!! You have a crack-whore of a mother while I have an artist who makes a living from her...  
  
Valley Girl #2 interrupts her by punching her in the face.  
  
Valley Girl #1: OW!!  
  
Valley Girl #2: Now don't you DARE make me do that again!  
  
And she punches her again.  
  
Valley Girl #1: OW!! YOU STUPID BITCH!!  
  
They both get into a fight.  
  
Cut back to the T.V.  
  
Tom: And before we go, Mr. Xellos. You're friends asked me if they could make guest appearances on this show.  
  
The crowd reacts with the voice of sympathy and terror.  
  
Cut to Xellos, still smiling and trying to keep it, but notice the sweat coming down from his hair.  
  
Xellos: That's nice.  
  
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen! Meet the entire cast of "SLAYERS"!!  
  
The entire cast comes out with a pissed off face except Gourry in a suit, gleaming with content. Also notice the "Christian Coalition Protestors" behind them chanting, "BAN THIS BOOK!! BAN THIS BOOK!!"  
  
The audience applauds but the fans go really wild.  
  
Lina: XELLOS!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!   
  
Nahga: Oh ho ho ho! You thought you could just get away with (Flashes a copy of his book) this?!  
  
Zelgadis: You're nothing but a SICK, FOUL MINDED, PERVERTED SON OF A BITCH!!  
  
Gourry (The only one with a happy face holds a copy): Actually, I thought this book was great.   
  
Lina bonks him on the head.  
  
Jillas: And that "Geoiman Sic Fetish" between the boss, the gang and I is nothing but lies!   
  
Boss (To the audience): THIS MANIAC IS JUST TRYING TO GET SOME ATTENTION!! COME ON PEOPLE!!!  
  
But the audience laughs at them.  
  
Dilgear: And I did NOT have sexual relations with Noonsa, Zolf, Rodimus and   
Zelgadis! As a matter of fact, I DON'T EVEN F(bleep)K HUMANS BECAUSE THEIR ALL UGLY!!  
  
Lina (To Dilgear): WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING UGLY!!  
  
The audience boos at Dilgear.  
  
Dilgear: SHUT UP!!  
  
Zangulus: I'VE NEVER CROSSDRESSED OR EVEN ATTEMPTED TO CUT OFF MY MANHOOD!!  
  
Amelia: Others might forgive you for your sick work, but as a warrior of   
JUSTICE, forgiveness is FUTILE!!  
  
Martina (Tearful): AND I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! What did I ever do to you?  
  
She breaks down and releases her head onto Zangulus's shoulders. He tries to comfort her.  
  
Cut to Tom below his desk with his cellular phone. You can hear bickering of others.  
  
Tom: We're gonna need some heavy security, and bring a large pizza with everything; but hold the anchovies... AND YES I WANT "PEPSI ONE"!!!  
  
Valgarv (Background): I'm really gonna enjoy killing you "MORE" than Lina Inverse!  
  
Cut to Filia, all tearful.  
  
Filia: OH!! YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, YOU HEARTLESS SON OF A HUSSY!! It's bad enough that you've killed thousands of my people and that you always caused us trouble. NOW, YOU'VE DESTROYED THE "SANCTITY" OF THE "GOLDEN DRAGON" RACE!! THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE!! (Turns to the audience) AND TO YOU ALL IN THE AUDIENCE!! How could you guys have such lack of heart to support a sick perverted villain?!  
  
The audience boos.  
  
Anonymous female voice: BITCH!! SHUT THE F(bleep)K UP!! GET YO WHITE ASS OFF THE STAGE!!  
  
Female leader of the coalition with the microphones: And wait till your parents hear about THIS!! (To her protestors) WHAT DO WE WANT?!  
  
Anonymous male voice: GO HOME, BIBLEFREAKS!!  
  
Protestors: TO BAN THE "SLAYERS: TOO HOT TO HANDLE"!!  
  
Leader: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!!  
  
Protestors: NOW!!  
  
The audience starts throwing junk at their antagonists.  
  
One of them hits Filia on her...  
  
Male voice: AWW YEAH!! RIGHT IN DA T(bleep)TTIES!!  
  
Filia becomes enraged and changes to her original dragon form.  
  
Filia: ROOAAARR!! HOW DARE YOU!!  
  
The entire audience runs screaming, but Filia manages to fry some with her "Dragon Beam". Even a few white guys in hip-hop trend clothing get it… One of them threw it on her boobs.  
  
Cut to Tom Green, not realizing he's letting out some piss through his suit, still on the phone with a place face.  
  
Xellos runs off carrying a suitcase and gym bag.  
  
Xellos: It's been great doing a show with you, but I gotta go.  
  
He disappears.  
  
Lina (Background): FILIA!! SETTLE DOWN!!  
  
Amelia (Background): MISS FILIA!!  
  
Tom: GET OVER HERE QUICK!! WE ARE NOW BEING ATTACKED BY AN UGLY, AND VICIOUS PEE-COLORED, REPTILLIAN MONSTER, WEARING A BLONDE WIG!! (To the cameraman (Your screen). KEEP THE CAMERA RUNNING!!  
  
Filia's tail hit's the chair, where Humplick is strapped on and sends it, with him, flying to space.   
  
Tom (to your screen): OH MY GOD!! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!! (To himself) Oh, Tahiti, here I come... Did I just say that out loud?!  
  
Filia turns to Tom.  
  
Filia: UGLY REPTILLIAN MONSTER?!! AND YOU CALL THIS A WIG?!!  
  
Filia swings her tail and smashes him to the wall, leaving him all bloody with cracked fractures at the walls, dripping his blood.  
  
Cut to the girls, still kicking each other's asses while the T.V. is still running with echoes of screams. Suddenly the screen turns to a news bulletin.  
  
The raging teenyboppers, bruised and bleeding stop and turn to the screen.  
  
Male Voice: We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin.  
  
Cut to the screen with Sisqo.   
  
Sisqo: Yo. This is Sisqo here to bring you some urgent news. Carson and Kurt appear to be missing right now, but this studio is under attack by GODZILLA herself! And if you think you're watching the movie now, then you are dead wrong.  
  
Suddenly the walls crumble and the angry golden dragon pops out, having guests run like hell, screaming while she wrecks havoc all around.  
  
Sisqo: OH SH(bleep)T!! SHE'S HERE!! THE PSYCHO BITCH IS HERE!!  
  
Filia: PSYCHO BITCH?!!  
  
Sisqo: And just in case, I have a confession to make. I'm with N.A.M...!!  
  
Filia quickly rips a hole through his abdomen with her dragon beam.  
  
Sisqo: BLAAH!!  
  
His dead corpse falls forward towards your screen. The screen fizzles after he hits the camera. But the screen turns to a design with the MTV   
logo.  
  
Female host: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by, and remember to be cool with "M-T-... HEY!!"  
  
(Silenced gunshot echoes)  
  
Daria and Jane come in front of the screen.  
  
Daria: Hello, Daria here.  
  
Jane: And Jane Lane here to ask you, "How many precious hours have you waisted with this crappy channel?"  
  
Daria: You have better things to do than sit through hours of "Real World" and "Road Rules" repeats.  
  
Jane: You don't have to sit through talentless pop bands. There's always "Napster", well not music videos, but there are websites of more talented bands which contain better videos.  
  
Daria: We don't mind if you watch our show.   
  
Jane: But you don't have to sit through the same repeats all the time.  
  
Daria: And if you wanted to get trendy clothes just to be cool. I suggest you save up tons of money.  
  
Jane: And end up looking more ridiculous than usual.  
  
Daria: And I doubt that MTV will fully recover from the damage. So in conclusion, you can now open yourselves to the world around you, and get a life. Thank you.  
  
The T.V. screen goes black.   
  
Valley Girl #1: You know, I'm beginning to think for once, those losers we always come up to back at school, are right.  
  
Valley Girl #2: Yeah. Like what were we thinking?... God, you look like shit.  
  
Valley Girl #1: (Chortle) You don't look so nice yourself with all those cuts and bruises. Let's hit the movies, I'm starting to get bored.  
  
Valley Girl #2: Good idea. I'll get the bandages and you can drive.  
  
  
The End.  
  
  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
I do not own "Slayers" "MTV" or anything else mentioned on here. This is just a satire of youth culture today with a touch of anime.   
  
And if I did own "MTV", not too much crap would be playing almost every hour of every freaking day. "Daria" and "Return of the Rock (barely aired)" are the only things I like from those "Corporate Sloths". "Tom Green" is funny at some occasions.   
  
I do love "Slayers", both dubbed and subbed. But I rather get the dub, because it can be a pain to look at the subtitles and miss the action, unless if the voice acting is horrible or unless if I know "Japanese". But still, I prefer to hear some anime like this in English. Luckily they did a great job on the dubbing. Many people have good and bad opinions on the dubbing. I think many of the voices were meant to sound kind of funny to give a greater detail of humorous tone.   
  
Let me know what you think.   
  



End file.
